A brief history of my fat life

Ok, here goes....

I have been "the fat girl" for most of my 32 years. When I was born, I was a little over 3 lbs, but that's probably the only time I've been underweight. (And I've noticed that preemies usually end up being bigger later in life). In kindergarten I was 62 pounds, a chubby kid. But, it only went downhill from there. I was picked on constantly in school - kids never left me alone about my weight. My only saving grace was that I loved to read and always made top grades, so I was the "smart fat girl." In fourth grade, all of a sudden, girls got interested in boys and vice versa, and I was no exception. I had the biggest crush on a boy in my class, but I NEVER would have told him because I was the "fat girl" and he liked another girl in our class. I think this is where my low self-esteem really began. I knew that I wasn't going to have what everyone else had because of my size.

I remember, at this time, that food really became a comfort to me. I would sit at home, reading and stuffing my face with whatever I could. I even remember eating spoonfuls of straight sugar. By eighth grade, I was wearing stretch pants on a regular basis. I was around 180 pounds and lacked any sort of self-confidence, except in my grades. The teasing continued. One that sticks in my mind was some boys encouraging me to play "Lemonade Stand" on the computer...to reveal they had changed the flashing words "Lemonade Stand" to "Weight Watchers". (And if somehow you're reading this, yes I have forgiven you for that...if anything it continues to be motivation for me.)

They say that being overweight causes depression, or that depression leads to being overweight...the chicken or the egg. I can trace my depression back to these dark days of middle school. All the guys and girls started pairing up, having dates for school dances....but I was being left out.

High school came and things got a little better. I was in the marching band and had a circle of friends who didn't care that I was the fat girl. I got contacts and begin to take a little more pride in my appearance. Toward the end of my sophomore year I finally got fed up with my weight and decided to do something about it. I did something all right - I basically starved myself. I would go all day without eating and then eat only a little dinner when I got home. It sucked, but I quickly lost weight and started receiving comments from everyone. It felt so good that I just kept going with it. I fell to about 140 lbs and felt SO good about myself - even though I was hungry all the time. I began to attract male attention for the first time in my life and finally felt like I was "normal."

Senior year I couldn't keep up the starvation, so I put on about 15 pounds. I started dating Jerry right before graduation, and joined him at college that fall. Being in a steady relationship and not eating well as a college student helped me start gaining weight again. I just wrote it off as something that happened to everyone, even as I started abandoning all my "skinny" clothes.
By junior year of college, I was 206 pounds. I began trying every fad diet you can think of. One that I remember was the "Carbohydrate Addict's Diet." It was ridiculous - you could eat all the fat you wanted during the day (just no carbs), and then for an hour every night you could stuff your face as much as you wanted. Of course I didn't lose any weight.

Jerry and I made plans to get married after we graduated. I started birth control and quickly gained 30 pounds. I had to have my wedding dress let out all the way. I look back at my wedding pictures and all I can think is "what a fattie!" I did not feel like the beautiful bride at all.
After we got married we moved to North Carolina and started teaching band. I lost all control over my eating, making the excuse that I was always on the go and fast food was the only option. I gained another 30 pounds over those first couple of years. I topped out at about 265, wearing a size 22.

Fast forward to two pregnancies - I only gained about 15 pounds each time. I would lose those 15 quickly, but stayed stuck at my pre-pregnancy weight. I've been carrying 265 for at least 4 years now. At least it has stayed consistent, but I am disgusted with that number, especially considering I was once 140.I have tried every diet imaginable, but I always fall in the same vicious circle....I do the diet religiously, don't lose much weight, am hungry all the time, and then cave in to my cravings. I say "Screw it, I'm just going to be fat for the rest of my life." Even when I try to simply "eat better," I have been brainwashed by the statements of so many different diets that I am confused about what I should really eat. Go low-fat? Low carb? Vegetarian? I eventually end up ruling out most foods out of fear, and then even with my limited selection I am afraid to eat. I guess that goes back to my high school days when only starving myself ever actually brought the kind of results I wanted.

At the end of last year, I went to the doctor and was diagnosed with high blood pressure. At 5'6, 264 lbs, it was time to do something about it. I got really scared of being in poor health, of dying young - and what that would do to Jerry and the boys. I guess that was when it finally clicked. I had to do something, but I didn't know what.

I thank God that I have a lady named Joy Karriker in my life - she recommended the Dukan diet. After investigating, it seemed reasonable: low-fat, low-carb, and it teaches your body how to keep the weight off FOR GOOD. This is the first time I haven't had to deal with hunger on a diet. I have seen immediate results and plan to be at my goal weight of 160 by November.

Donna - 1/4/12 - 264 lbs

Well, here it is. As embarrassing as this might be, I've decided not to hide my weight anymore. I'm also going to stop crossing my arms in front of myself, using pillows to hide behind when I'm on the couch, and all that other low self-esteem malarkey. I am taking control of my life and saying that THIS is the year of the new me. I have hated myself for so long and it's just time for that to stop. I may be changing what I look like on the outside, but this is more about healing myself on the inside.

STARTING WEIGHT - 264 on January 4, 2012
CURRENT WEIGHT: 246 on January 23, 2012
GOAL: 160 by November 30, 2012

I will be posting updated weights and pics as time goes on.

If you are reading this, thanks for taking the time. I appreciate any prayers and positive thoughts that you have to offer.