This isn't going to be long, because I have a lot of work to get done....
I had my endoscopy today and the doctor couldn't really find anything wrong. He mentioned IBS but didn't explain a lot about it. Of course I googled it when I got home and found out this....basically, it's what they diagnose when they can't find any other source of your discomfort. They even mentioned it being fairly common in those who suffer from depression. DING DING DING!
The bad thing is, I feel like the doctor (and maybe everyone else) still feels like it's all in my head. Like, since it's associated with depression, that I'm just feeling nervous or upset or whatever and have an upset tummy. THIS IS REAL PAIN!!! I have a couple of prescriptions to help manage it, so I hope that this is the end of all the doctor visits and I can just get on with my life.
On top of this, I was recently diagnosed with high blood pressure. Add to that the depression, occasional asthma problems, and all this weight I have to lose.....I feel like I've been living in doctors' offices for the last 2 months. I'm ready for a break. I need to have a healthier me!
Tuesday, January 24, 2012
Endoscopy
Today I'm going to the hospital to have an endoscopy.
One of the common side effects of being overweight is having gallstones. In 2003, Jerry, my mama, and I were on a trip to the Outer Banks. We were at the Lost Colony in Manteo when I had my first gallbladder attack. Of course I didn't realize that's what it was then. I thought I was dying, plain and simple...the most excruciating pain I have ever experienced. (I've been through natural childbirth...and yes, the gallbladder was worse). Jerry and Mama were getting ready to rush me to the hospital when all of a sudden it went away. Surprisingly, I didn't go home and research what the heck was going on with me, very unlike me. I just tried to forget about it.
Six months later, I came home from a basketball game at Trask and ate some bacon. (I know, real healthy right?) I laid down to go to bed and all of a sudden I was back at the Lost Colony. This time Jerry did take me to the emergency room, where they announced that it was probably my gallbladder. An ultrasound a few days later confirmed it...that little thing was just filled to the brim with stones.
So I had the darned thing out. Healing a surgical incision above your belly button when you're fat is no picnic. The staples kept pulling and ripping, they got infected....I'll spare you the rest. (Let's just say the healing was MUCH worse than the actual surgery.)
Fast forward to last year. All of a sudden, I started having these stomach pains very much like the gallbladder attacks. Same location, same intensity. (I remember one of them had me in the fetal position sobbing on the floor.) I would call them "attacks"....they would come on, slowly at first, but gain intensity until I couldn't stand it, then they would go away. I couldn't pinpoint a pattern to them. One time, I had one every day for three days, and then it would go a month before I had another one. Sometimes they would happen in the morning, sometimes during the day. What I ate or didn't eat had no effect.
I finally decided to see a doctor. They ran some tests, did an ultrasound, and could find nothing wrong. They gave me some pills for when the attacks happen, but that was it. After I moved to back to Burgaw, I had a few more attacks at school. I saw another doctor who referred me to Wilmington Gastroenterology. I had an endoscopy right before Christmas, and the doctor said I had some inflammation in my stomach.
Finally, I knew that this wasn't just ALL IN MY HEAD!!
So, today I am scheduled for another endoscopy at the hospital. The doctor said it will show more and will take longer. Hopefully, they will finally figure out what is causing all this.
I'll probably be out of it for the rest of the day. I'm a little nervous about starting the new semester at school tomorrow after going through this today.
One of the common side effects of being overweight is having gallstones. In 2003, Jerry, my mama, and I were on a trip to the Outer Banks. We were at the Lost Colony in Manteo when I had my first gallbladder attack. Of course I didn't realize that's what it was then. I thought I was dying, plain and simple...the most excruciating pain I have ever experienced. (I've been through natural childbirth...and yes, the gallbladder was worse). Jerry and Mama were getting ready to rush me to the hospital when all of a sudden it went away. Surprisingly, I didn't go home and research what the heck was going on with me, very unlike me. I just tried to forget about it.
Six months later, I came home from a basketball game at Trask and ate some bacon. (I know, real healthy right?) I laid down to go to bed and all of a sudden I was back at the Lost Colony. This time Jerry did take me to the emergency room, where they announced that it was probably my gallbladder. An ultrasound a few days later confirmed it...that little thing was just filled to the brim with stones.
So I had the darned thing out. Healing a surgical incision above your belly button when you're fat is no picnic. The staples kept pulling and ripping, they got infected....I'll spare you the rest. (Let's just say the healing was MUCH worse than the actual surgery.)
Fast forward to last year. All of a sudden, I started having these stomach pains very much like the gallbladder attacks. Same location, same intensity. (I remember one of them had me in the fetal position sobbing on the floor.) I would call them "attacks"....they would come on, slowly at first, but gain intensity until I couldn't stand it, then they would go away. I couldn't pinpoint a pattern to them. One time, I had one every day for three days, and then it would go a month before I had another one. Sometimes they would happen in the morning, sometimes during the day. What I ate or didn't eat had no effect.
I finally decided to see a doctor. They ran some tests, did an ultrasound, and could find nothing wrong. They gave me some pills for when the attacks happen, but that was it. After I moved to back to Burgaw, I had a few more attacks at school. I saw another doctor who referred me to Wilmington Gastroenterology. I had an endoscopy right before Christmas, and the doctor said I had some inflammation in my stomach.
Finally, I knew that this wasn't just ALL IN MY HEAD!!
So, today I am scheduled for another endoscopy at the hospital. The doctor said it will show more and will take longer. Hopefully, they will finally figure out what is causing all this.
I'll probably be out of it for the rest of the day. I'm a little nervous about starting the new semester at school tomorrow after going through this today.
Monday, January 23, 2012
A brief history of my fat life
Ok, here goes....
I have been "the fat girl" for most of my 32 years. When I was born, I was a little over 3 lbs, but that's probably the only time I've been underweight. (And I've noticed that preemies usually end up being bigger later in life). In kindergarten I was 62 pounds, a chubby kid. But, it only went downhill from there. I was picked on constantly in school - kids never left me alone about my weight. My only saving grace was that I loved to read and always made top grades, so I was the "smart fat girl." In fourth grade, all of a sudden, girls got interested in boys and vice versa, and I was no exception. I had the biggest crush on a boy in my class, but I NEVER would have told him because I was the "fat girl" and he liked another girl in our class. I think this is where my low self-esteem really began. I knew that I wasn't going to have what everyone else had because of my size.
I remember, at this time, that food really became a comfort to me. I would sit at home, reading and stuffing my face with whatever I could. I even remember eating spoonfuls of straight sugar. By eighth grade, I was wearing stretch pants on a regular basis. I was around 180 pounds and lacked any sort of self-confidence, except in my grades. The teasing continued. One that sticks in my mind was some boys encouraging me to play "Lemonade Stand" on the computer...to reveal they had changed the flashing words "Lemonade Stand" to "Weight Watchers". (And if somehow you're reading this, yes I have forgiven you for that...if anything it continues to be motivation for me.)
They say that being overweight causes depression, or that depression leads to being overweight...the chicken or the egg. I can trace my depression back to these dark days of middle school. All the guys and girls started pairing up, having dates for school dances....but I was being left out.
High school came and things got a little better. I was in the marching band and had a circle of friends who didn't care that I was the fat girl. I got contacts and begin to take a little more pride in my appearance. Toward the end of my sophomore year I finally got fed up with my weight and decided to do something about it. I did something all right - I basically starved myself. I would go all day without eating and then eat only a little dinner when I got home. It sucked, but I quickly lost weight and started receiving comments from everyone. It felt so good that I just kept going with it. I fell to about 140 lbs and felt SO good about myself - even though I was hungry all the time. I began to attract male attention for the first time in my life and finally felt like I was "normal."
Senior year I couldn't keep up the starvation, so I put on about 15 pounds. I started dating Jerry right before graduation, and joined him at college that fall. Being in a steady relationship and not eating well as a college student helped me start gaining weight again. I just wrote it off as something that happened to everyone, even as I started abandoning all my "skinny" clothes.
By junior year of college, I was 206 pounds. I began trying every fad diet you can think of. One that I remember was the "Carbohydrate Addict's Diet." It was ridiculous - you could eat all the fat you wanted during the day (just no carbs), and then for an hour every night you could stuff your face as much as you wanted. Of course I didn't lose any weight.
Jerry and I made plans to get married after we graduated. I started birth control and quickly gained 30 pounds. I had to have my wedding dress let out all the way. I look back at my wedding pictures and all I can think is "what a fattie!" I did not feel like the beautiful bride at all.
After we got married we moved to North Carolina and started teaching band. I lost all control over my eating, making the excuse that I was always on the go and fast food was the only option. I gained another 30 pounds over those first couple of years. I topped out at about 265, wearing a size 22.
Fast forward to two pregnancies - I only gained about 15 pounds each time. I would lose those 15 quickly, but stayed stuck at my pre-pregnancy weight. I've been carrying 265 for at least 4 years now. At least it has stayed consistent, but I am disgusted with that number, especially considering I was once 140.I have tried every diet imaginable, but I always fall in the same vicious circle....I do the diet religiously, don't lose much weight, am hungry all the time, and then cave in to my cravings. I say "Screw it, I'm just going to be fat for the rest of my life." Even when I try to simply "eat better," I have been brainwashed by the statements of so many different diets that I am confused about what I should really eat. Go low-fat? Low carb? Vegetarian? I eventually end up ruling out most foods out of fear, and then even with my limited selection I am afraid to eat. I guess that goes back to my high school days when only starving myself ever actually brought the kind of results I wanted.
At the end of last year, I went to the doctor and was diagnosed with high blood pressure. At 5'6, 264 lbs, it was time to do something about it. I got really scared of being in poor health, of dying young - and what that would do to Jerry and the boys. I guess that was when it finally clicked. I had to do something, but I didn't know what.
I thank God that I have a lady named Joy Karriker in my life - she recommended the Dukan diet. After investigating, it seemed reasonable: low-fat, low-carb, and it teaches your body how to keep the weight off FOR GOOD. This is the first time I haven't had to deal with hunger on a diet. I have seen immediate results and plan to be at my goal weight of 160 by November.
Donna - 1/4/12 - 264 lbs
I have been "the fat girl" for most of my 32 years. When I was born, I was a little over 3 lbs, but that's probably the only time I've been underweight. (And I've noticed that preemies usually end up being bigger later in life). In kindergarten I was 62 pounds, a chubby kid. But, it only went downhill from there. I was picked on constantly in school - kids never left me alone about my weight. My only saving grace was that I loved to read and always made top grades, so I was the "smart fat girl." In fourth grade, all of a sudden, girls got interested in boys and vice versa, and I was no exception. I had the biggest crush on a boy in my class, but I NEVER would have told him because I was the "fat girl" and he liked another girl in our class. I think this is where my low self-esteem really began. I knew that I wasn't going to have what everyone else had because of my size.
I remember, at this time, that food really became a comfort to me. I would sit at home, reading and stuffing my face with whatever I could. I even remember eating spoonfuls of straight sugar. By eighth grade, I was wearing stretch pants on a regular basis. I was around 180 pounds and lacked any sort of self-confidence, except in my grades. The teasing continued. One that sticks in my mind was some boys encouraging me to play "Lemonade Stand" on the computer...to reveal they had changed the flashing words "Lemonade Stand" to "Weight Watchers". (And if somehow you're reading this, yes I have forgiven you for that...if anything it continues to be motivation for me.)
They say that being overweight causes depression, or that depression leads to being overweight...the chicken or the egg. I can trace my depression back to these dark days of middle school. All the guys and girls started pairing up, having dates for school dances....but I was being left out.
High school came and things got a little better. I was in the marching band and had a circle of friends who didn't care that I was the fat girl. I got contacts and begin to take a little more pride in my appearance. Toward the end of my sophomore year I finally got fed up with my weight and decided to do something about it. I did something all right - I basically starved myself. I would go all day without eating and then eat only a little dinner when I got home. It sucked, but I quickly lost weight and started receiving comments from everyone. It felt so good that I just kept going with it. I fell to about 140 lbs and felt SO good about myself - even though I was hungry all the time. I began to attract male attention for the first time in my life and finally felt like I was "normal."
Senior year I couldn't keep up the starvation, so I put on about 15 pounds. I started dating Jerry right before graduation, and joined him at college that fall. Being in a steady relationship and not eating well as a college student helped me start gaining weight again. I just wrote it off as something that happened to everyone, even as I started abandoning all my "skinny" clothes.
By junior year of college, I was 206 pounds. I began trying every fad diet you can think of. One that I remember was the "Carbohydrate Addict's Diet." It was ridiculous - you could eat all the fat you wanted during the day (just no carbs), and then for an hour every night you could stuff your face as much as you wanted. Of course I didn't lose any weight.
Jerry and I made plans to get married after we graduated. I started birth control and quickly gained 30 pounds. I had to have my wedding dress let out all the way. I look back at my wedding pictures and all I can think is "what a fattie!" I did not feel like the beautiful bride at all.
After we got married we moved to North Carolina and started teaching band. I lost all control over my eating, making the excuse that I was always on the go and fast food was the only option. I gained another 30 pounds over those first couple of years. I topped out at about 265, wearing a size 22.
Fast forward to two pregnancies - I only gained about 15 pounds each time. I would lose those 15 quickly, but stayed stuck at my pre-pregnancy weight. I've been carrying 265 for at least 4 years now. At least it has stayed consistent, but I am disgusted with that number, especially considering I was once 140.I have tried every diet imaginable, but I always fall in the same vicious circle....I do the diet religiously, don't lose much weight, am hungry all the time, and then cave in to my cravings. I say "Screw it, I'm just going to be fat for the rest of my life." Even when I try to simply "eat better," I have been brainwashed by the statements of so many different diets that I am confused about what I should really eat. Go low-fat? Low carb? Vegetarian? I eventually end up ruling out most foods out of fear, and then even with my limited selection I am afraid to eat. I guess that goes back to my high school days when only starving myself ever actually brought the kind of results I wanted.
At the end of last year, I went to the doctor and was diagnosed with high blood pressure. At 5'6, 264 lbs, it was time to do something about it. I got really scared of being in poor health, of dying young - and what that would do to Jerry and the boys. I guess that was when it finally clicked. I had to do something, but I didn't know what.
I thank God that I have a lady named Joy Karriker in my life - she recommended the Dukan diet. After investigating, it seemed reasonable: low-fat, low-carb, and it teaches your body how to keep the weight off FOR GOOD. This is the first time I haven't had to deal with hunger on a diet. I have seen immediate results and plan to be at my goal weight of 160 by November.
Donna - 1/4/12 - 264 lbs
Well, here it is. As embarrassing as this might be, I've decided not to hide my weight anymore. I'm also going to stop crossing my arms in front of myself, using pillows to hide behind when I'm on the couch, and all that other low self-esteem malarkey. I am taking control of my life and saying that THIS is the year of the new me. I have hated myself for so long and it's just time for that to stop. I may be changing what I look like on the outside, but this is more about healing myself on the inside.
STARTING WEIGHT - 264 on January 4, 2012
CURRENT WEIGHT: 246 on January 23, 2012
GOAL: 160 by November 30, 2012
I will be posting updated weights and pics as time goes on.
If you are reading this, thanks for taking the time. I appreciate any prayers and positive thoughts that you have to offer.
CURRENT WEIGHT: 246 on January 23, 2012
GOAL: 160 by November 30, 2012
I will be posting updated weights and pics as time goes on.
If you are reading this, thanks for taking the time. I appreciate any prayers and positive thoughts that you have to offer.
Welcome
Hello everyone, and welcome to my blog. I have tried blogging before, but as is usual with me, I didn't do it consistently. I'm going to try to use this as a therapeutic tool, so maybe that will help me stay motivated about keeping it current.
This is mainly going to be a diary of my weight loss struggle, along with my other attempts to find balance and purpose in my life. I am so sick and tired of keeping everything in my life a secret, of hiding my true self because I am scared of what other people think. I am putting myself out there for the whole world to know and see, and I hope that this is the way to heal some of the scars in my life.
I will write again shortly and share with you the weight loss journey that I am embarking upon.
This is mainly going to be a diary of my weight loss struggle, along with my other attempts to find balance and purpose in my life. I am so sick and tired of keeping everything in my life a secret, of hiding my true self because I am scared of what other people think. I am putting myself out there for the whole world to know and see, and I hope that this is the way to heal some of the scars in my life.
I will write again shortly and share with you the weight loss journey that I am embarking upon.
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